'Say their names': Families find comfort in acknowledging lost pregnancies

MEDINA — Kelly Poole is a mother of two who is pregnant with her third child. She lost her son, Braeden Poole, in 2015 at 35 weeks pregnant when he died due to an umbilical cord injury. She and her husband, Josh, say their son's name often. You can, too. "By bringing up my son, you are not going to remind me that I lost him," Poole said Thursday. "We got to hold Braeden but we never got to see him alive." October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and, in Medina, there is a growing effort to better remember the young lives lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and deaths before first birthdays. In the past when such tragedies struck, families were left to silently deal with the losses. That is not the case anymore for mothers like Poole or, surprisingly enough, institutions like funeral homes, which are viewing bereavement beyond what just happens inside their buildings. "We were comforted during that time in the hospital by amazing and compassionate people," Poole said in reference to her son's Sept. 11, 2015, birth by "the quietest c-section you can ever imagine." "When we came home, we were kind of at a loss and didn't have a lot — we were searching for resources and things, trying to make sense of our loss and our son's passing." In the immediate months following, the couple channeled grief into fundraising and raised $3,500 for the purchase of a CuddleCot that was donated to the Cleveland Clinic Medina Hospital. The device allows stillborn babies to remain with family members during their time of grief after birth. It was the first such unit to appear in northeast Ohio when the couple made the donation in 2016. The CuddleCot has since been moved to Cleveland Clinic Fairview Hospital after the clinic closed the hospital's birthing center in 2017. Knowing families can continue to have the gift of time is comforting to Poole who remembers the 18 hours spent with Braeden, when she and her husband bathed him, dressed him, took his picture and introduced him to his family. "You are kind of fitting your entire lifetime in a few hours, all of the plans and memories you want to make in that short time," she said. "No grieving parent wants to be rushed into saying goodbye." Poole recounted her family's story Thursday with love in her voice, saying her little boy's name with meaning. In such a short time, Braeden meant so much to his parents. She also told her family's story Tuesday while standing at the podium of the Waite and Son Funeral Home, the same place that helped Poole and her husband when it was time to memorialize Braeden with a funeral service. "(Ashley and Christopher Waite) are our friends and they have watched us go through our loss and grieving process," Poole said. "We started to have conversations about how there were not a lot of resources locally surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. It started because I was searching, my husband and I were searching locally for resources. "We found ourselves having to leave our own community and just from those conversations that is how it was born." The fifth-generation funeral home, which is owned by Christopher Waite and his cousin, Andrew Waite, is stepping further into the bereavement sphere by offering more engaging community grief groups. It opened its doors in Medina on Tuesday for nearly 100 people for its first ever Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Ceremony. Ashley Waite, who served as the mistress of ceremonies for the event, is also the funeral home's director of Community Engagement. The mother of two, a 6-year-old boy named Evan and his little brother, Oliver, 2, said planning the emotionally-charged event felt very personal for her. She went through infertility to have her family, living too close to the world of pregnancy loss and miscarriage to not know the grief behind such heartbreaks. "What we learn is people never fully move on; they move forward. They never forgot," Waite said Thursday. "They remember those children, those missed milestones around those children and the missing bonds with other siblings. So just to say their child's name and know their child is not forgotten is so important in the grief journey." While this was the first such bereavement event in Medina — the next closest taking place at Cornerstone of Hope Church in Independence — it was actually back in 1988 when President Ronald Reagan first proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month to honor the approximately 1 million pregnancies yearly that end in loss, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. Each year in October, participants all over the world pause in remembrance of babies lost too soon on Oct. 15 with a wave of candles lit across the globe. "What I heard from other people in attendance is that they were looking at all the candles — we had 44 candles lit — and it was so moving and comforting for people to know they were not alone in their grief," Waite said. "When you see everyone together that has a shared experience, they know they are not alone." According to the March of Dimes, some key points to remember when grieving the loss of a baby are acknowledging that feelings of grief may manifest like angry, sadness and confusion with no two people grieving the same, there is nothing wrong with taking time to heal as the body and your emotions need time to recover after pregnancy and its important to find special ways to remember a loss pregnancy. Waite said the names read Tuesday were not just to acknowledge new losses, but those that even went as far back as 1988 — a woman who lost a child more than 30 years ago attended as she is just starting to openly process her grief. That sense of hiding the pain of pregnancy and infant loss is not new, Waite said, adding that she has noticed a societal shift in the last 7-10 years. "People are just now starting to talk about it," she said. "This pain has historically been silent and it has been invisible grief." It can even be hit or miss with how hospitals and doctors handle conversations surrounding such losses with patients and families. As such, Waite said it was important to include a medical professional in the program, with Dr. Erin McKelvey, an obstetrician/gynecologist with Cleveland Clinic OB-GYN Medina in attendance at the event that was live-streamed on Facebook. McKelvey's message was one of shared grief, saying it is a privilege to walk part of the grief journey with so many families. "If we lived in a perfect world, nights like tonight wouldn't have to happen," she said. But then Amanda Greska, 28, of Medina, whose fourth pregnancy ended in March when she was eight weeks along, said she would not have witnessed something so surprising to her. She attended after her husband encouraged her to join a pregnancy loss support group. "It was beautiful," she said. "... Being surrounded by so many people made me feel like I was not alone. But also being surrounded by so many people in grief was heartbreaking." Contact Lisa Roberson at (330) 721-4060 or lroberson@medina-gazette.com.